Orlando Rant

I feel that from time to time I should be allowed to generalize and rant when the situation is harmless enough to warrant it. In this case the need to expound is derived from being stuck in the metropolitan environs of that swampy and overcrowded fiasco known as Orlando, Florida. I'm down here on business and will be glad when I can return to the civility and charm of my home in the Panhandle.

Anyway I say let the generalizations begin:

• There are too many people from northeastern states that are extremely un-courteous drivers and a menace to share the road with. Today I was tailgated by a shmuck from Pennsylvania, cut-off by a jerk from Maine and gestured at wildly by a maniac from Massachusetts. My offense, in the wild eyes of the Boston Bozo, was that I steadfastly refused to run a red light to make a left turn when the arrow changed. Now do y'all STILL want to know why I'm so much in favor of a separate southern Confederacy?

• Orlando attracts the most idiotic type of tourist. This is most especially true of the ones hailing from the British Isles, who tend to walk around in large groups that often overtake the sidewalk. These Tommy Hilfiger clad Cro-Magnons can be found waiting in long lines to get into Hooters or the Golden Corral after an enlightening visit to Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

• The gamut of garbage can attractions is extensively wide here and there never seems to be a shortage of gaping simians lined up at the door to fill each one to the rafters. As I drove by looking at this spectacle I was reminded of a quote by H.L. Mencken: "No one in this world has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby."

• Disney World SUCKS!

• I'll be glad when this part of Florida is finally reclaimed by Spanish speaking people again, then maybe some of the colonial charm will return to this over-commercialized, tawdry stretch of neon lit nothingness. At least in Las Vegas you can encounter good food, somewhat more sophisticated entertainments and unique venues and architecture. Orlando, on the other hand, is about as exciting as a trip to the outlet mall where you can be entertained by the mime in the food court. Just don't eat too much, you'll need to save room for dinner at the Cracker Barrel.

• And oh yeah----Disney World SUCKS!